Time out for Thomas

The last ten (10) days or so have blown by in a blur. What kicked it off was sad news: my cousin Thomas had succumbed to bone marrow cancer.

Tommy was my paternal cousin and a key player in my life. He was tall and lanky, and I looked up to him in more ways than one. For example, he patiently taught me to roller skate in Grandma's long driveway in Queens; often hung out with my dad, my brother and me when we went boating, picnicking, and to auto races and movies; visited me at Harvard and attended my graduation; helped me move (many times, and on each occasion advised me to rid of some stuff); and was one of my go-to guys whenever I had electronic or mechanical problems.

Tommy, like my brother and father, loved gadgets and cars; all three would have been miracle workers if they'd applied their passions and talents to medicine. It's largely because of them that I am so handy and that I admire smart men who are willing to roll up their sleevs and get their hands dirty once in a while.

Tommy was generous and civic minded, too. He was an auxiliary policeman, and frequently extended favors and hospitality to others. Talking with Tommy was comforting to both Daddy and me when Dad was dying, and I appreciated my cousin's big brother wisdom afterward.

Obviously, I knew Tommy had been ill, but I thought he was getting better. That's what he had led me to believe. As his brother explained at the repast, Thomas' positive, hopeful attitude had bought him five and a half years longer than his initial, six-month, prognosis.

Thomas' death hit me hard. I was the first in my branch of the family to learn about it. Thomas' sister had distributed the news the same way that most organizations and social groups do when they want word to get around quickly: by email and by phoning key nodes in the network, otherwise known as gatekeepers.

I've now the go-to node-gatekeeper for Dad's family line. In that capacity, I spoke to at least one member of each of the other clans (all now headed by my first cousins). Some of the conversations were comforting, but a few others were shocking, such as the one that informed me about the car crash that killed second cousin Mark-by-marriage this January, and others in which my midwestern cousin (another favorite) informed me he was returning (!) to the hospital to review his recovery from a serious fall from a tree and in which a close family friend said she was took ill from AIDS to go out that day.

There's a lesson to be learned there: don't wait for funerals, weddings or holidays to touch base with loved ones. Our time together is too short and uncertain to squander it.

As someone remarked at Thomas' funeral: our clan's shrinking fast. That observation is not completely accurate: marriages and births are constantly replenishing the family tree. But I know what Cousin meant; I feel it too. We're newcomers to the old guard - the family gatekeeprs - which is a role we grew up attributing to Great Grandma and Great Aunt Lizzie before they passed the torch to Grandma, who then passed it down the ladder of aunts and uncles to us.

Now my generation is at the top of that ladder, and it is kind of lonely at the top. From that vantage point, two things are clear. One: families don't grow as large as they used to. Two, and more importantly: as much as we welcome newcomers with loving, open arms, there's no substitute for the long-term relationships we're saying goodbye to at an alarmingly rapid rate. Consequently, it's all the more important to cherish our loved one while we can.

I hope Cousin Tommy knew how much I loved him. I'll make sure those who are still living know that now.

Darius Myers of Sports Cart Media and Kevin Perry of Tones of Joy ring out 2005 on the December 28, 2005 "Lisa Tolliver Show"

j0074201gospel.fee...

ABOUT THE SHOW - Darius Myers, CEO of Sports Cart Media and Kevin Perry (whose gospel group, Tones of Joy, is celebrating a momemtous anniversary) helped ring out my 2005 broadcast year on New York Radio WVOX 1460-AM. We discussed popular New Year's resolutions (visit About.com for tips to execute them), enjoyed a jazz rendition of Auld Lang Syne and a selection from the CD, "Tones of Joy", and discussed the most popular entrepreneurs of 2005. (Order the Tones of Joy CD by email from MRealdeal1@optonline.net or jamesjenkinsjr.20@aol.com. Access Amazon.com links to other Tones of Joy CDs here, and in the banner ad below.)

A PERSONAL NOTE - Like many others, I won't regret bidding adieu to 2005 and bonjour to 2006. Last year seemed particularly rife with various disasters, conflicts and other sad and tragic events that devastated and wreaked havoc on individuals, families and entire nations worldwide. We've covered some of those stories on air and successfully solicited and made our own contributions to help. Along with those stories and images, several close-to-home events ensuing in May have seared 2005 into my consciousness as a pivotal year.

On May 16 Mary Frances Golff, Dad's last surviving sibling, died. I'll cherish the last road trip taken with my father and brother to attend the memorial services in Miami. The following weekend, Dad was hospitalized with lung cancer and emphysema and expired on September 17, 2005. Dad, Aunt Frances and I were close and I usually celebrated family holidays with them and the many other relatives and friends who enjoyed the good cheer, great fun and tasty meals that were always to be found at either Dad or Auntie's homes. Unfortunately, their deaths elicited the worst in some relatives, which has also irreparably marked this season. On the other hand, the funerals--as many do--have drawn some relatives and friends closer. Some of these recent reacquaintances have become my guardian angels.

Later in May (on my birthday), I was saved by a guardian angel of another sort, when a three-car crash on the Long Island Expressway totaled my car and sent me to the emergency room downstairs from Dad's hospital ward. Although I'm not unscathed and I will be unable to ski this year (my favorite pastime), I'm grateful to be here to tell the story and to Dad for letting me adopt his wheels.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS - As we ring out 2005 and herald in 2006, I will be following the following advice. Join me!

1. Show and tell loved ones that you love them, as often as possible
2. Mend rifts with "keepers" (people whom you'll keep in your life) even if it requires feeding difficult significant others with a long spoon.
3. Ruthlessly eliminate toxic relationships, situations and behaviors from your life. That might require mending rifts with or feeding some signficant others with a long spoon.
4. Assess and take steps to optimize your physical, mental, spiritual and fiscal health.
5. Count your blessings and give thanks every day.
6. Learn something new every day.
7. Follow the 10 Commandments.
8. Properly establish an estate plan by completing and properly filing the following documents, regardless of your income: a will, living will, durable power of attorney and health care proxy. Beforehand, take the MSN Money Make-A-Will Quiz .

BEST WISHES for a happy, healthy holiday season and an abundant new year!

Access books about New Year resolutions:

Access music by the Tones of Joy: