Sunday, June 10, 2007

Paris Hilton fans: Here's a handful of hints for uplifting the Simple Lifer's spirits

Hey Paris Hilton (a.k.a. Inmate Booking Number 9818783) fans! You and the rest of us (who find her unappealing) know: The Simple Life co-star is no happy camper right now. (What two-time penal implant would be?) Here is a handful of hints for uplifting the Simple Lifer's spirits.
  1. Send Paris literature that is inspirational, and that puts her predicament in proper perspective. Good examples are Maya Angelou's poem, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" (read it here), and autobiographicalul novel with the same title.
  2. On visits and/or by phone, play Gloria Gaynor's hit song, "I Will Survive", and give her the article: I Will Survive - Wikipedia.
  3. Remind Paris that, although she is back behind bars, and the Twin Towers Correctional Facility (a.k.a. Twin Towers Jail) is no Hilton International Hotel, the accommodations there beat those at the maximum-security Century Regional Detention Facility and are head over heels above those at the infamously horrendous Hanoi Hilton (the Vietnamese Hỏa (a) Prisoner of War Camp, whose name means "fiery furnace"). THAT's hot!
  4. Highlight this: Paris's wings may have been clipped, but she has been allowed to hold onto her hair extensions.
  5. Help Paris appreciate this blessing: scandal and a rap sheet won't prevent her from earning a living. Au contraire! Being born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and into a famous family, nullifies that concern. Moreover, the more down and dirty the dish about Paris, it seems, the higher her ratings and bankability.
NOTE: You'd better act fast. With "time served" (including the time spent on "house arrest", during which she upstaged the MTV awards") Paris will likely be released much sooner than her 45-day sentence suggests.